Stubbs the Zombie Review Developer: Wideload Games Publisher: Aspyr Author: Alex Petraglia Date: Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Zombie Invasion Reaches Conclusion!

Friday, May 29, 1959

PUNCHBOWL, Pennsylvania (Punchbowl Daily News)- A mere eight hours after it’s initial outbreak in our fine city of Punchbowl, the zombie uprising seems to have come to a close. While much of the metropolis now stands in ruin, the zombie perpetrators have all been neutralized. Still no word from Mayor Edward Monday.

The source of the disturbance seemed to come from a sole zombie, now commonly referred to as “Stubbs.” A veritable rebel without a pulse, Stubbs wrecked havoc upon our fair city all day Friday, first spotted in the downtown streets, where he brutally attacked a young couple and several police officers. He was last seen entering City Hall and Edward Monday’s office late that night.

At first, no one paid any mind to the extremely unattractive man on the streets. Then, the attacks began. Soon, vigilante citizens were up in arms and the cops were called in. After a while, the offender was correctly identified as a zombie by authorities when a casualty of his assault rose from the dead and was quoted as saying “Braiiinsss!”

Stubbs possessed many unnatural abilities that enabled him to unleash such chaos upon our fair city. His basic means of attack was hand to hand combat. At times, he was seen ripping arms off helpless victims and then using the limb as a club to beat others senseless.

But Stubbs’ most lethal and prevalent modus operandi was the consumption of the brains of living humans. He could attack his unwary prey from any angle, grab hold of their head, and chomp down viciously upon their dome.

The reason why the invasion escalated to massive proportions so quickly was Stubbs’ capability for converting and subsequently commanding the humans he came in contact with. Upon turning them, Stubbs would order his zombie masses into battle by pushing or whistling for them. While the reanimated dead did not posses all the same capabilities as Stubbs, they could effectively maim victims and chew brains and, in doing so, perpetuate this vicious cycle. Thankfully for us, not only were the hoards often easily confused, getting stuck behind corners and in objects, they were able to be put down fairly easily by the outstanding efforts of the Punchbowl Police. Said one local commentator, G. Carlin, “Zombies are unreliable.”

By some cruel and grisly fate, Stubbs was able to take advantage of the very forces sent in to stop him. Upon detaching his arm from his body, Stubbs could maneuver it remotely, making it run and leap and climb walls. The zombie would then have the arm spring forth, latch itself onto the head of any person who it came in contact with, and, in doing so, would gain complete control of their body, including the ability to fire their weapon.

Stubbs had several other abilities that allowed him to gain the upper hand. For one, he could remove his head, and use it as a bowling bowl to knock down anyone who stood in his path. He could remove his internal organs, toss them a distance, and have them explode, or even pass gas; the zombie’s flatulence was said to produce noxious and debilitating noxious gas.

At one point during his jaunt, Stubbs was apprehended and briefly studied by scientists working at the Punchbowl Police Station. Results of the medical research are still a bit unclear, but we were able to garner information on how Stubbs and the other zombies perceive the world around them. The world Stubbs inhabits is mixed with saturated, lively colors and grainy, monochromatic views. In fact, his view of the world is in no way dissimilar to some of our finest and most modern color television sets. The examiners studying him linked Stubbs’ unique vision to a small circular ring located at the base of his skull.

Several musical groups have already signed on to make an album to commemorate the Z-Day tragedy. The track listing, to name but a few, includes modern remakes of such classic hits as Strangers in the Night, My Boyfriend’s Back, There Goes My Baby, Mr. Sandman, and If I Only Had a Brain, by the artists Cake, The Raveonettes, The Walkmen, Oranger, and The Flaming Lips, respectively. The compilation is being released via compact disc, a technology assumed to make its debut in approximately 30 years.

While modern science is not yet able to fully refute or confirm this claim, it is in the opinion of this reporter that zombies truly do have feelings. And if this is the case, Stubbs undoubtedly had an immensely enjoyable, albeit short-lived, escapade on this fine day in Punchbowl.

Editor’s Note: I’d like to end this rather satirical review with a very important and serious point. Numerous counts of actual anecdotal evidence highlight the negative effects from videogame usage among the younger generations. These include, but are not limited to, an increase in weight, the purveyance of violent thoughts, and dysentery.

Because Stubbs contains grotesque and oftentimes realistic depictions of brain consumption, flatulence, and head bowling, all images which would have immeasurably harmful effects on children, we recommend restricting youngsters from playing this game. Additionally, if you are pregnant, or plan on becoming pregnant, or have any plans to procreate in the next fifty years, we recommend not playing, since violent traits have been shown to be passed from parent to offspring. Finally, if you plan on coming into contact with a minor at any point in the next three weeks, avoid Stubbs at all costs.

Please, think of the children.

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